Adult children living with you

With rising costs of living and buying a home, many sons and daughters now live at home with their parents, well into adulthood. Some adult children have left the family home but returned. Others have never left at all.

Some keep on thinking like a child where their parents are concerned. They want adult rights – such as to smoke, drink, stay out all night and have full independence. But they don't want the responsibilities of supporting themselves.

You may be happy for them to stay at home, but in a fair way with shared costs and responsibilities. Or you may want them to leave altogether. How can you get them to understand that the time has come for them to stand on their own feet?

The decisions you make need to be fair, on you as well as them.

Helpful tips

• Be clear that you see and respect them as an adult. Say you're proud of them and love them. But they are no longer a child.
• Explain what is expected of them while living in your home. Don't treat them like when they were a child. Don't do things they can do for themselves, such as their laundry. Don't let them rule the house, for example with behaviour that is unpleasant for other members of the family.
• Make sure you and your partner take the same approach. Don't let one of you be a soft touch.
• Take every opportunity to help your son or daughter learn to cook, budget and generally look after themselves.
• If they have their own income, work out together how much they should be contributing for household costs. You may even want to charge a formal board, with a written agreement. If so, enforce it.
• If they do not have income, work out other ways they can contribute, such as looking after the garden or doing home maintenance.
• When they are contributing, acknowledge it.